I found a diary!

Have you ever found a diary and against all the norms of society, bothered to scan and skim through it until you eventually decided to read it?

Well, I'm guilty if it's a crime. But underneath the cool shade of the palms, I could not think of anything else but coffee and this little book I found.

Whoever wrote this must be an author with purest of intentions.


(coffee at hand)

Fifteen years after the chaos in the Pacific region, I merrily enjoyed the subtropical climate afforded by the beaches off Costa del Sol in the south of Spain.

In the famous stretch christened “Coast of the Sun” lies Málaga, a city in a province bearing the same name in the autonomous community of Andalucía.

It was here that I tried to posit argumentation on the question that haunted me for decades: Have you ever met someone who has someone else already?

The warm climate of Málaga did not hinder my mind from its exploits as I recall of an experience whereby I came to face difficult questions involving the paradox of life, its twists and turns and the general sentiments of an ordinary individual.
With coffee and spicy bread stuff at hand, I began to retrace a few decades of my existence.

During the last years of the decade since Y2K and its hysteria, I met someone I had no idea who would touch my life in a significant way a person could.

I first saw her during one of my trainings in my quest to obtain a desirable job that would pay well enough to enable my wanderings and caprices be fulfilled. We were using the same room for training purposes albeit at different time periods. Perhaps, the most definitive encounter that I could remember was her comment over how closely I held my partner at that time in one of our forays in the downtown section of the city.

“You seem to be choking her!” she quipped.

I am not at ease discussing personal actuation especially those that concerns significant others thereby that spur of the moment comment she made placed me on a defensive side to which I handled at best to avoid further inquiries. It should be known that she and I are both into relationships at that time and therefore have social life way different in terms of circulation and reach.

The comment made its way to the forgotten accounts but her face and persona remained anchored deeply in my mind. I have to admit that I was intrigued by her presence. She was simply an interesting damsel pushing the keys of her keyboard in front of that big black glaring monitor.

The busy working atmosphere never allowed my interaction with her, much more a conversation. Her name was a wonder waiting to be discovered. Fate perhaps played upon us such that our paths crossed. Far from my wildest imaginations, she became a colleague then a friend - an important person that I have learned to miss, love and treasure.

You might not help but wonder why am I talking about a woman instead of presenting some light on the question but again, a ship cannot set sail unless introduced to its harbor. I am yet providing the coordinates for you to be guided in the succeeding wave of thoughts.

Old sages perhaps learned by hard experience before imparting practical teachings on people: The only constant in them is change.

Yes - only change!

Relationships with people change over time. Some made it great. Some dwindled to oblivion while some simply broken. Mine belongs to the latter. There was that opportunity to choose between staying and that of moving along and I firmly stood my ground. The cast was set. The journey began. The question was asked. I had an answer!

This woman is not the stereotypical class of effeminate nature. She was rather vibrant with restraint, a hint of sadness but with grand ambitions and dreams. She was simply living her life but she happened to have someone all along. I was never an issue unless of course I never knew I was perhaps by blind sight ignorance. Her personal affairs were not of my deliberate concern and I did not struggle to find my place among and between them. She mattered to me - that’s my concern.

Selfish on one side but true to the word, she became the only one I would want to think of at the end of the day. There were others but she outweighs far by comparison. She did not look like Helen nor possess a voluptuous physique but she does have charm that I found seductive. Gone are the days that the ideals of an acceptable companion requires that level of social acceptance based primarily of one’s image portrayed for the pleasure of the public. She was different. A mysterious lovable damsel.

I woke up one day with the realization that I met someone having someone all along. Chivalry requires my non-interference with her personal affairs but my conduct is never chivalrous. I was in love. There is nothing of chivalry when you want to take for yourself what rightfully you don’t own. But then again, personal logical beliefs that I adhered to where: 1) A woman is not a possession. 2) Only a husband or a wife can own one another. 3) Commitment can be severed. Did I really want this? I often asked myself this seemingly paradoxical question. And yes, I wanted her and all the complication she has along with her. I never wanted her for one side only, I wanted the whole persona together with everything that’s in it that’s why it was never a big issue to me when I came to face the hard reality that I might never be loved, only special to her. Was it unrequited love? No. It was love unspoken. Have I ever asked her to choose? No. That would be unacceptable unless of course the choice is between that of a wife and a partner. Did we ever dream of a future together? I think we do. I do - Costa del Sol is great (she hates cold temperatures; I love the wine). Why did I ever allowed myself to be dragged into a seemingly bottomless pit unsure of what’s underneath?

I say “I met someone but there was someone else already”.

-end-

Ahh! There you go!

The mystery of life!

The last pages of an old obscure book written by an anonymous soul.

Well, it seems a great find - why not rummage through old junks of the 50s through 80s again? Surely, there is another diary yonder!

I'll let you know!